I was lying in bed last night thinking about the future- not surprising, as I tend to be a worrier. When I graduate from college, what will I be? An engineer, a doctor, a trader, a scientist? I've never lived life outside of a system of set rules and evaluations. School, as troubling as it is, is a sheltered environment. There is a specified track you can take, and success is simply a matter of diligence and a reasonable amount of intelligence. "Winning" at this system is quite easy to define as well- just good grades and behavior.
What will I do when I leave the system and every choice in the world is open to me? Do I settle for a comfortable life in the suburbs, a husband and kids, working to fill my house will trinkets and all the status symbols of the well off? That's what's expected of me, at the very least: stability, wealth, and a family, and I have no idea if I truly want any of it.
I admire the students here who are brave enough to be unconventional and dye their hair crazy colors, dress the way the want and build and study for the sheer joy of it. They're free, and I know that when they graduate the world will be theirs, and they won't have anything to be afraid of. I'm afraid, more than anything, of pointlessness. I don't want to travel the world pointlessly, I don't want a pointless job that just rakes in cash, I don't want to spend my life creating a list of achievements. I have no idea what will make me happy. When I graduate college, I'll still be myself: J.Y., the quiet one, the shy one, desperate for approval of some sort, and I will be unhappy.
I have four years to change myself. I have to let go of the desire to please others, which consumes most of my life at this point. And I need to learn what it feels like to be happy. I don't want to give up.
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