food

Clif bar: 250
Rice soup: 260
Jello: 50 cal

total: 560 cal

Hell yes.

out chasing dreams

I was lying in bed last night thinking about the future- not surprising, as I tend to be a worrier. When I graduate from college, what will I be? An engineer, a doctor, a trader, a scientist? I've never lived life outside of a system of set rules and evaluations. School, as troubling as it is, is a sheltered environment. There is a specified track you can take, and success is simply a matter of diligence and a reasonable amount of intelligence. "Winning" at this system is quite easy to define as well- just good grades and behavior.

What will I do when I leave the system and every choice in the world is open to me? Do I settle for a comfortable life in the suburbs, a husband and kids, working to fill my house will trinkets and all the status symbols of the well off? That's what's expected of me, at the very least: stability, wealth, and a family, and I have no idea if I truly want any of it.

I admire the students here who are brave enough to be unconventional and dye their hair crazy colors, dress the way the want and build and study for the sheer joy of it. They're free, and I know that when they graduate the world will be theirs, and they won't have anything to be afraid of. I'm afraid, more than anything, of pointlessness. I don't want to travel the world pointlessly, I don't want a pointless job that just rakes in cash, I don't want to spend my life creating a list of achievements. I have no idea what will make me happy. When I graduate college, I'll still be myself: J.Y., the quiet one, the shy one, desperate for approval of some sort, and I will be unhappy.

I have four years to change myself. I have to let go of the desire to please others, which consumes most of my life at this point. And I need to learn what it feels like to be happy. I don't want to give up.

I made a house of houselessness,
A garden of your going:
And seven trees of seven wounds
You gave me, all unknowing:
I made a feast of golden grief
That you so lordly left me,
I made a bed of all the smiles
Whereof your lip bereft me:
I made a sun of your delay,
Your daily loss, his setting:
I made a wall of all your words
And a lock of your forgetting.

You were

An early speaker, alert, loud and bright. An unsteady walker, then again an early reader, a writer, a finger painter, an imagined hero. A slow runner. Then, a reversal, a quiet paradox- the silent pauses after coming home from school, the inability to speak to strangers. A budding mathematician, a scholar, an obedient teenager, a forced musician. A manic desire to achieve, the gap between reality and dreamed goals, shoulders slumped with guilt after failure. An inventor, a tinkerer, and later, just as a hobby, a watchmaker. An insomniac, a 2 am runner even in December, a half-hearted philosopher. A poor cook, but an excellent baker. Evidence that a life lived inside the walls of the mind must end in disaster, that even a space so brilliant can never be quite wide enough. Obsessive, but graceful to the last. Soft-spoken. Lonely. A jumper, a statistic. But mostly, too weak.

when it rains

"When it rains, I don't mind being lonely.
I cry right along with the sky.
When it rains, I don't pretend to be happy.
I don't even have to try.
when it rains, some people get down to sportin' a frown.
So I fit right in.
Yeah the sun may brighten your day but if I had my way I'd take the rain."
(Unsure about this part. I have a tendency to walk around looking sad, unfortunately, even when I'm honestly not. That's just my thinking face. )

"Start out depressed, everything comes as a pleasant surprise."
(But this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. What should be pleasant surprises get diminished, and it takes really big things to snap you out of it. Although, the reversal really feels spectacular sometimes.)

Despite the depressing lyrics, I do feel better lately. I'm losing the weight I gained from a few weekends of late-night snacking/panic eating, I did well on the 8.012 exam, I'm catching up with 18.03 and I expect to do fine. Pass/fail really is a godsend. The only class that makes me panic is my Hass- I really hate humanities classes. The subject matter is interesting, but something about writing papers is sheer torture. Next term, since it's graded and I want/will take advantage of sophomore standing if I have the chance, I'll take economics instead. Applied math/psych for humanities credit- what a lovely thing. I'd rather stay up all night doing a pset than writing research papers. I'd love to take a creative writing class or a philosophy class though.

Oh, my laptop broke. Also, it's 5 AM. Should I do my physics pset, or should I leave it for tomorrow? I should probably do it now. It's funny- I've worked for 10+ hours on a 10 minute presentation, panicking, but the thought of working so much longer on physics doesn't bother me at all.

I wish I were smart enough to major in physics. I am seriously considering bioengineering and electrical engineering, though.

Something optimistic: I looked in the mirror and thought my glasses made me look cute.

The writing on this blog is spectacularly shitty and meandering. I'll try and post something better next time, just to practice my writing skills and make sure they don't get too rusty. Personal thoughts are hard to organize, unfortunately.

4 vegetable spring rolls
Smoothie
Milkshake
109.2 lbs

breakfast: nothing, too riled up for physics exam
lunch: nothing, adrenaline rush from physics exam killed appetite
dinner: Odwalla bar (220 cal), clementine (50 cal), melon bar (110 cal)
total: 380 cal

I have a very bizarre appetite. Someday I hope to get hungry at regular times, instead of going a few days unable to eat and then overeating one day.

I am no longer in danger of failing 8.012 :) Hooray! I got an 87, but I know I can do better, so I'll work even harder for the next one.

Breakfast: Campbell chicken noodle soup
Lunch:
Dinner: Diet coke, 2 bertucci rolls

Weight: 111
Sleep: 8 hours

Breakfast: coffee, french cruller
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: twizzlers (500 calories worth!!! AHHH) + clementine

weight: 111.6
sleep: 9 hrs= happy

Breakfast: espresso shot
Lunch: 3 twizzlers + snickers bar
Dinner: Popcorn + a beet + melon bar

Weight: 111.0
Sleep: slept until 4 pm accidentally. Fail. So, like 12 hours.

Breakfast: 1 espresso shot
Lunch: Chicken rice + salad from Sepal (so oily =_=;;)
Dinner: Melon bar, 2 tacos from Anna's, Starbucks double shot

I need to stop spending so much money on food at the student center. It's all way too heavy and oily and I can feel myself getting fatter every time I eat anything from there. Too bad I'm too lazy too cook/can't. Produce market might be an option. If I can buy a couple of heads of lettuce/cabbage and a crapload of fruit, I might be able to make it through the week.

I need to lose weight anyway. My pants don't fit anymore, which makes me sad.

Food diary.

Breakfast: Tea
Lunch: Starbucks double shot, 3 packs of seaweed chips (not as gross as it sounds)
Dinner: 300 calories worth of twizzlers, 2 melon bars. I am a pig. A candy eating pig.


Weight: 112.8 lbs
Sleep: 4.5 hours

food diary

I've decided to keep track of my eating habits, which have gotten noticeably poorer since I left home. I'll track this vs. my weight and sleep time. It'll be an interesting experiment, without goals, just to see how certain habits pan out in the long run.

What I ate today:
Breakfast: nada
Lunch: 3 Falafel things + Rice
Dinner: Starbucks Doubleshot, Coke Zero, Cup Noodle.

Snack: 2 melon bars at 3 AM

Weight: 112.6 lbs
Hours slept last night: 6