"I love solving physics problems" would be the easy way to put it. I want to be a course 8 major here at MIT, if I can figure out not to have another panic attack during the 8.012 exam (I KNEW EVERYTHING REALLY IT WASN'T A HARD TEST I HATE MY OVERACTIVE FLIGHT/FIGHT RESPONSE). I want to know how the world works, and if I don't study it I'll feel like I missed out on something vital.
Unfortunately, I'm uncertain if I love physics itself. When I sit down to solve physics questions, I block everything out-- crushing depression, loneliness, exhaustion, insecurity(basically any problem that I have at the moment) and it's just me, a sheet of paper, and clean numbers and diagrams. Everything gets broken down, and I feel a rush when I reach the right answer. A boost to my self esteem, however brief, and I can't help but smile a little bit and think that maybe there is something to me, after all- something a little special about the silent girl who can't make eye contact with strangers.
But I wonder if I could still love physics if I didn't have that moment where I hold my breath and check my answer against the given solution. Brains interest me as well, especially intelligence and how it emerges from such a jumbled network of cells. I could be course 9. Maybe I could be course 8 and 9 (unlikely). Maybe I could be nothing, drop out of MIT and spend my days living under the stars somewhere warm, reading philosophy and learning math and playing sudoku and communicating with strangers only through email.
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